bad memories

when i am really really really tired and in my office (or in the subway), like today, and when i have my office door open and hear students and other teachers speak in the hallways or in their offices, i feel like i am in the hospital. it's a very strong memory i have from hospitals, being half awake and hearing people speaking around me, nurses, doctors, visitors... so now, every time i am in this state of mind, when i'm beyond tired and unable to concentrate on things (you should've seen me try to work on my article, it would take me 3 attempts before i could write a word correctly), i feel like i'm at the hospital again...

survival

the biggest difference for me, between being a student and being a full-time teacher, is 1) i won't be able to work from home as much as before, and 2) i meet and talk to a lot more people than before. when i was writing my dissertation, between january and july, i went out of my apartment maybe twice a week, sometimes even less, and talked to very very few people. some days i didn't see anyone, sometimes for four or five days in a row. i could stay at my house, in my pj's, ugly and dirty, and no one would care. now, i have to be at work four of five times a week, look professional, pretend to be smart, meet with tons of people that i don't know and whose names i won't remember, try to understand thousands of new things that make no sense to me, and talk talk talk talk talk!

and then i have to walk. the kind of walking that you do when you're a tourist in london or something. but every day. some days are ok, but for some reason, some days are really hard. yesterday was hell, for example, and because i couldn't rest today, i'm still half dead ... 3/4 dead in fact. every bone and every muscle in my body hurts, even my hands.

so basically, i am beyond tired, physically and mentally! how am i going to survive??